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Monday, April 21st, 2014
11:30 pm - Wow
I have changed so much. 

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Wednesday, December 22nd, 2010
11:05 pm - J
    He called me today . He said he had cried for hours the day prior, missing me. He said the ache was like someone had shoved a sword in his heart . I look back on two years ago and the beginning. I think I knew then that falling in love with him would not be easy . It happened fast and hard . The intensity was like a lightning rod . I was also bleeding to death , so I don't think I thought straight. Chuck pinning me down , or his words pushed me so far . I know I slept a lot. I would forget what I was saying . It was like losing an elemental part of who I was . The kids LOVED him . The dog LOVED him , my sister LOVED him . I loved him . I did . More then I love myself even still . He sat by me and held my hand through the pain after they tore out my uterus . He gave me something of himself that could never get put back . I can still feel him sometimes . That electric jolt of him .
    He reminded me of a song I love more than i can explain . Rita Lynch's Far away . SO amazing . Her voice leaves goose bumps up my neck and back . I am listening to it over and over right now . Was I right to love him ? Yes. Did it fill that spot that no one has? NO.I get transported back to remembering listening top Bon Jovi when I was a little girl in Inkster . I was so alone , but the music was a friend .  For a minute at a time "Wild Is The Wind" would impact me in such a way that that spot was filled  . I think we all search for it . We all long for it , like a dead friend to return to us . To fill us and expand us . TO TAKE AWAY THE PAIN .
  I love him , yes. I never love temporarily. Will we ever be something again ? No. I have pushed him far enough away in my psyche that I can almost forget for day and day on end .To connect to someone is so rare . I have let go with 4 , 5 maybe? I have a friend now who makes me want to let go , for whatever time i have , but it's complicated. I will though . I can't stop fat e. I am going to get healthy , become a famous writer and make autism better handleable . Okay , at least I am going to try with all my will  . We shall see what happens.



current mood: complacent

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Sunday, December 19th, 2010
2:27 pm - why
    I feel like I am being pulled in a million directions. I don't know if I can admit fully how scared I really am right now. I pretend to be confident , I have no confidence left.Maybe it is best to admit I won't get better.

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Thursday, December 16th, 2010
8:33 pm

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8:23 pm - Need , want and the Inbetween

   When I was a little girl my parents were crap .  My dad worked so much he was invisible , my mother a stone cold drunk .  My best friend, my sister Elizabeth and Collie, Lady . I used to pretend to be a librarian and mark all my books like a library .  I thought if I was just able to show my classmates how much ingenuity I could come up with they might like me . I was made fun of in school. A girl named Dana Posey stomped on my feet every day .  They bled over and over and over again. The teacher used to call me dirty Rouse girl . How did I tell them that I died inside .  All I wanted was for them to LIKE me.Now many of these people write me , Rob Dixon one of the ring leaders has commented that i am a , " Hot mama with a tight ass body . " Through adversity comes strength .  THIS IS TRUE! . This is what I wrote to the man who raped me and sent him on Facebook.
Why am I writing this ? What so possesses me to finally say what has been on my mind for 13 years.... Well Mike, I think that after all the years of wishing I could just say how I truly felt , then maybe I won't see shadows in every corner and fear around almost every man.

I asked God many , many , many years ago why you took my trust and respect for you and made me instead see a monster. I know the answer... I used to see good in every person.I used to believe that light took over darkness and bad things happened to girls who were not me. Until you , Michael David Zelek . I am a strong vivacious woman now. I have five amazing children and because while raping me , you did so while I was pregnant with my son , me and him have a bond that no one can shake . i am strong. I am strong because I learned the truth . You have to work for what you want , survive through trials and sometimes light in absorbed by dark and you have to find your own way out.

I married the man I was with when you took my light away from me. I saw that light reborn in my five childrens eyes . You did not break me.I didn't look for you , it was happenstance that I stumbled upon you . Maybe if I say what needs to be said now I can stop thinking about what I wished I could have said in that courtroom in June 1998. Mike , you HAD NO right to do what you did.You NEVER should have taken a little 15 year old girl and did as you please. You shouldn't have told me that it's not rape because of some inane reason you made yourself believe.

I have a daughter . I often think of all the Mikes in the world , who use alcohol and weed as an excuse to take what they want. To tell that girl that they are still their " baby girl ." I never would have willingly slept with you . I used to think you were funny and sweet . When my friends warned me that you were not right I said , " He is a good guy ." I always have had faith in people. That is not completely dead. BUT , because of you I know monsters are not always in trench coats and in white vans, but often in sweats and Miami Dolphins jackets . I told god I forgave you. Maybe then he may give you a life where hurting someone isn't going to happen. Then maybe one day you will realize you did what you did.

You were full of excuses... The rape kit was positive , you admitted it then took it back. You sat in those courtrooms cocky and so sure you were IN THE RIGHT . I only wish you have taken accountability for your actions. You moved RIGHT BY ME in Westland and I was afraid to go buy formula..... You have given me many , many , many , many nightmares and have irrevocably changed me.

I hope you never see your children hurt by a person so much that they don't sleep for weeks and almost lose a child in utero . I still hear that alarm clock. I still remember what you did . Why am I writing this ? YOU NEED TO KNOW YOU DIDN'T BREAK ME . I have a college degree , I am loved by many , and I am stronger in my body than you could ever be . I also want you to know with this letter that I have finally said my peace . May god have mercy on your soul. Melissa Rouse Peters


    Ever sent I sent this I have felt a peace I have not felt since May 29th 1997 .  Ever since I sent this life has been changing.It was like I laid to rest the negativity and let the positive take root. I am not sure I would be so " me" without those kids or Mike. I have no regret anymore.I am living to live and Damn it feels good.

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12:26 am - Lost in thought

    Jamie "Jtwo" came over and the first thing she said was to me is ," Wow you lost weight!" This made my night . I am impatient suddenly . I am lost in thought . I want.... I want. It is simple.I want something that I am not supposed to want . Whether it be one week , one hour, one year, I WANT . I am not used to this ache, this throbbing of simple want . Right now I would kill for a set of warm arms around me heating my winter cold blood . The spirit in this house has been acting a little nuts .  The kids craft stuff went flying , I am STILL picking up beads . I think it may be grandma . Last week made 7 years .  I miss her so much .  Sometimes so much that it instantly brings tears to my eyes, like now.I miss her so much .  SO DAMN MUCH . I love you Eveline Rouse .
   It is lonely being here all alone all night.My heated blanket and book on iphone will get me to sleep since I am not working tonight . Jody is seeing someone . He admitted it today .  I felt a sting , but it wasn't the sharp pain I thought . I will always love him . However , he had no drive , no ambition . Mediocre is not in my vocabulary . Is this wrong of me ? Did I want too much ? I only want passion , fire , heat , a rush , a connection . It doesn't seem like much . I don't want jewels , money , power , position or platitudes . I want coffee with a great friend . Someone quickly becoming a possible best friend . I want my kids to smile all the time and feel my love . I want to go to the gym and take an hour and a half and run , life , jog , bend , I want to push myself to an extreme .  I want to feel . Does this post even make sense? Seems like a floodgate opened a few days ago , and I am letting all these excess emotions out.... :)



current mood: creative

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Wednesday, December 15th, 2010
6:41 pm - Surreal
    I don't know how to put in words how I am feeling..... It is like a painting with many shaes of color.Some warm , hard, soft, bright and all very pretty.Vulnerbility is something I admit to being afraid of.Someone seeing inside this very carefully placed shell.When I was sick I didn't post here.I wrote in a bound journal hidden under a floor board , because the secrets it held were so MANY. Very few people remember me before I grew into my skin. The anooying but loving little girl who followed her elders around like they were demi gods. I didn't realize how much those times did impact me. He reminded me. Thank god he did. I don't want to lose that part of me that is that girl child.The one who is inquisitive , amused over silly wonderous things and sees good more often then not . 
   I regained a friendship. One I didn't realize how much I appreciated until years later.He is funny, sweet, sincere, warm , cocky , sarcastic, bold and strong.He is a male me in so many ways that could be counted and i find myself telling him EVERYTHING , Good , bad , ugly and pretty he hears it . I can't , nor will define it. It doesn't need a definition. It is a grouping of feelings . He is in my head. There for as long as he chooses.IT IS GOOD. I just want him to know . I see him.The real him.Not the xeroxed version he has to be so often . I am content with this.SO I just had to say it. Type it.Acknowledge it .  I usually get bored with people so fast . Only because there is no surprise anymore. When I rarely find a friend that is going to stand the test I know immediately...... Thank god for lives curve balls. A real person, friend. Missy

current mood: contemplative

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Wednesday, September 22nd, 2010
10:50 pm
All these posts and I never mentioned we lost that house, and I was with someone else.I never told everyone about my most death defying ICU visit..... How much do I hold inside? and now I am certain I put a bandaid on the pain.On a good note, the kids are amazing and my BFF is everything I could ask for

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Thursday, July 1st, 2010
10:59 pm - In my mind.
So many thoughts.....
    Right now my psychic mind is linked with my friend whos name starts with an S. S is in a very irritable mood and I am feeling it.I feel terrible for him.Someone doesn't appreciate how truly magnificant he is. I don't know why some women  take advantage of the great guys.They leave them holding the bag.This man is also an amazing father. Why are some people so cruel and heartless ? He is a Scorpio so he tends to change his moods like someone changing underwear and they tend to stray into the darker moods more often then not , but his mood is pretty damn intense.

  Jamie L. is over , and as much as I adore her I know she is getting pissy dealing with my fucked up mood.I am going to call S and cheer his ass up.

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Wednesday, June 2nd, 2010
6:44 pm - Today has been the pits

    My pain doctor took me off the Neurontin because it made me feel like a zombie, but decided not to replace it.I am on the Ultram and nothing more.It is exactly the same regimine I was on before I even went there. I came home and broke down. Chuck tried too help me , but I lost it. I cried and cried while a thunderstorm rocked my house . Then Kevin and I fought hard , neck to neck.He said some things that have me in tears so deep the ache he left in his wake. He said people like we were basically shitty. I didn't know I was shitty. I swear he does nothing but hurt me , over and over and over again. I am better off without him in my life. I am never speaking to him again. I am so tired of the pain. I am so tired of walking , talking , breathing to be hurt and in pain.If it weren't for my kids , I'd snap.I thinki i am kind of snapping now. I can't take the pain of endometriosis.The doctor's assistant says , "Let's see how the Ultram works." I say look I HAVE BEEN ON IT FOR 3 FUCKING YEARS.FOR FIBROMYALGIA. It does nothing for Endo.
    I am so tired of not smiling for more then a few seconds. I'm slipping into hell and I can't get out.I can't feel like this anymore.WHAT CAN I DOOOOOOOO????? SOMEONE give me a way out of this depression. Help me.



current mood: crushed

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Saturday, May 29th, 2010
12:27 am - 13 Years Ago Today
I was brutally raped while I was pregnant with my first son . At the time I was debating abortion or miscarriage , because my family was giving me hell because I was 15 . I knew this person.Its always agonizing.Its like the date has this timer in my body, I feel it all.I remember it all. God this hurts.I wonder if he remembers what he did.If he ever thinks of it.If this date strikes him every year.I am trying to forgive my enemies but this nman ruined me for years. This man put me in a self exiled prison.I looked over my shoulder and didn't breath under he was sent to prison. I still remember the color of the sheets. The sound of his moms alarm clock, his ferrets scratching.The smell, the feel of my fingers gouging  his skin, walking home in the rain , numb.
   I pushed someone I love to death away.I am regretting it even now. he is incredible.I am a mess today.Heartbroken and ruined.God help me , I can't stop crying...... I can't take this.

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Thursday, May 6th, 2010
10:17 pm - FATE
What is the grand scheme? How do you know when you are on the right path or you veered into oncoming traffic ? I am so confused right now.HELP

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Wednesday, April 14th, 2010
4:26 pm - Its me
    Ya it has been some time .  Needless to say I should update me. WIll soon.Melissa

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Monday, September 29th, 2008
12:19 am
These past few weeks have been insane and beautiful all in one fall swoop.I have been spending alot of time with katie who likes to bring me food and make me smile.Katie is such n angel.I know recently she has been so screwed over its not even funny but I hope she knows how much I feel blessed with her in my life. You know me, .Afraid to be loved and all.All forms of love especially the romantic....I know what it is to love someone without knowing how you do.I have been lucky enough to have loved 3 of the most amazing people.Though with love comes so much in its wake.
  love pulled me through the doctors telling me my health isn't what it should be.Love pulled me through the depression of the knowledge that my mom was dying.Love pulled me through the insane times that pelted me....The smile of my children pulled me through the cracks.
  Chuck and I may not be what we expected to eachother but he is my best friend in so many ways.When I fell in love with K  ( Won't disclose names) , Chuck and I talked about it for hours.He had already pretty much had it figured out.He made me smile when I realized I was never intending to make anything of it.K is an incredible man to be sure, but he is a loner. I knew he didn't love me at all in turn and he saw me as a crazy off key bitch but he has been my friend even when I pushed him away.
  Chucks love has been so sweet and true.As current as a stream.he is madly in love with someone and I support it with all my heart.I can't blame him.A is amazing in her own right.She makes him open up in ways that I didn't know he could.I thank A for that.Chuck gave me my life back.I still think of the rain on the roof and kissing him with reckless abandon and watching him in a way go away forever when he was going to bootcamp.He changed so much then.Not better not worse per say but he woke up.To everything he had been through as a child.He is the worlds greatest father and even though life changes people I still want to always know how he is.I want his smiles his soft lips to kiss my forehead.His strong arms to keep me up when I fall flat on my face.I want him to be proud of me.
  There are a few more people I need to mention bu I am getting tired more later. Melissa xoxo
 


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Friday, September 19th, 2008
1:31 am - Its been so long
 What can I say? This year has been intense and crazy and everything has happened so fast and quick that I barely had time to blink to absorb all of it.I realized I missed my livejournal.With a sudden urgence I needed to post something.
  Last time I posted I'm sure it was something insignificant.This time I post with a heart on the mend.Not from a heart break Chuck caused but from one I caused by falling in lve with the wrong person.Someone who didn't deserve me.Someone who couldn't see the best person he had ever met was right beside him trying to help him see his individual worth.Chuck and me actually get along better then ever.I have some of the greatest friends in history and the kids are phenominal.I will write more tomorrow.Melissa

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Friday, January 4th, 2008
12:12 pm - I wish I knew.......

    This winter seems so long and harsh.New Years Eve was magical as I danced below the cold but beautiful snowflakes.I felt them on my face and felt alive.There was a moment I felt so alive and so right....
  In a way I feel as if this year will hold promise.I will find something.Something I will love and cherish and hold onto forever.....The kids are so good.So whole.So real.Work is what it is.... Drama in its unrelenting form.I have this friend.His name shall remain anonymous.Beth says he is my twin flame.... ( Twin flame being someone who rarely comes in your lifetime with you , but is supposed to be like your other half.) Does not always mean romantic.Just someone who is much like you. Someone you will be around probably the entire span of your life.Someone who will understand you and know you.Well a few years ago when she explained this person I thought oh god no.She has lost it.The explanation of him was intense though.Very very accurate.When I met him I doubted it.... Only because the description was too flawless, though it didn't dawn on me until after we became friends....Hes sweet, funny and honest.Unfortunately the drama sometimes pits him in the middle.You guys know how I feel about drama. I would rather not have it and go out of my way to stay away from it.
  To do that would mean giving up so much.So much I don't know that I want to give it up.The guy the drama normally centers around I consider a friend.Chuck has a huge issue against him respectfully so, still I feel like I am walking a tight rope.I am afraid to lose a wonderful few people now more then ever.I used to be able to not even blink and walk away..... I just can't right now...... I don't know why ???????
   Why do I need people in my life? Chuck is about to hit a lay off it is going to be an interesting beginning of a year.One that promises not to dissapoint.Lets just see shall we? Mel



current mood: contemplative

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Friday, December 7th, 2007
9:09 am - Holidays and such

    I have issues.Big , big issues.Aaron's school was trying to do nice things for our family.The school social worker organized a "gift giving" for families larger in size.So we got a letter home asking if we need extra help for our children for Christmas.I thought it was the sweetest thing.These people give up everything for our children at Burger then go out of their way to help through out the year.I explained to her that we had everything worked out .I feel like I might have insulted her and that  was not my intent.I just know there are children in that school who need their help more then I ever could.Autism can be so devastating on finances.
  I hate though then when people look at me they auto matically think we are a welfare case.I know that this wasn't Burgers intent however, to me it was just another time that we got singled out because we have a large family.I go to Garden City Hospital and the ask me for my medicaid card instantly, when I pull out the Blue Cross card they sit there looking all insulted.
  When will I trust again? I told someone a friend of mine yesterday that I won't trust again,but tahts bull.I will. I always do. I always let people get close.Even if they fuck me over I let them close. It is what I do . I don't have the heart to close off my heart because I am used to getting hurt.I like moments where I get close to people.I do . I like getting to know peole I never knew before and finding that one wonderful quality about them.I love getting to be open with certain people and the look on someone's face when I get bluntly honest.I tend to open my mouth too much I think, but hey you can't change who you are to suit anyone.
  I am too full of pride though.WAY to full of it.Why can't I just trust ? That is my New Years resolution start trusting more often.I love my friends and i need to quit pushing them away because someone hurt me in the past. Mel
 

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Thursday, December 6th, 2007
10:50 am - Today
  Today is the anniversary date for the loss of my daughter Shaelynn....
I keep on thinking how the ultra sound tech didn't turn down the speakers and I heard her heart beat for a few minutes for the very last time.I lost her 2 days later.I have lost 4 babies. Shaelynn and my twins the hardest.
 I am listening to Tears in Heaven and wondering in my tears if they will know me when I come home.Will they know even though they were the size of a pea I loved them as I do my children now? Will they say "Hi Mommy"? It hurts like hell.
  Damn pain.Last night my Heather came over and made me smile.I love you Heather!!! I had a fantastic night in Chuck's arms.Felt like the old days.It is insane how one day can change it all.....
  To my Shaelynn,Mommy loves you.I'm sorry we didn't meet.I'm so sorry I couldn't count your fingers and toes.I knew you though.I think of you every day.Beautiful girl.I hope you and Grandma are having a blast.You two come to me in my dreams all the time.You and a yellow ribbon and a smile.You hug me.One day I will wrap my arms around you and cry in happiness to see you.I love you Shaelynn Aneice.Be safe angel.
            and with that I think of the 5 best kids in the world... Mel


current mood: sad

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Wednesday, December 5th, 2007
2:39 pm
   I talked to Penny and Keshia just now.They offered to let us live with them in Bremerton until we got a place.Until a couple of days ago I was all about it.Now all of a sudden with my sister living here and things changing I decided for good that I am staying here.No crossing go no collecting $200.00. For the kids I am here.For my heart I am here.For my friends, I am here.
  Roland says I need to be there.Kevin Richmond says I need to be.Brian and Krista do as well.How do I tell these people I am a Michigander and will always be here for good and bad?I called U of M and decided to go back to college.I need to make sure I scholarship money first.College= not cheap . lol.I want to make my children proud to call me mom.
  I want to love unconditionally. I want love unconditionally.I am about to find what I want.I just know I am.I'm going to go back to the old me and ask for her forgiveness.The old me who loves fully,forgives fully,gives fully and has no regrets.This is what I want. Melissa

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10:33 am - Okay so a dose of Melissa reality

Okay so I can honestly say that I have no clue whats up these days.The kid are wonderful and truly the best as always.They are my constant.My sister moved in and this in itsself has been THE BEST. I love her wholelly.
  Chuck turned mean for so long.Now he calls me every hour on the hour for an " I love you". This makes me smile in ways I forgot I could.I just want to know when I will feel that tug again.If I can . Honestly,is it too late to fix it in its entirety.He one said without him I would be nothing.Maybe he was on to something.Who would I be really without his backing me?
  I would be like my mother I think.I would be lost somewhere between reality and tragedy.I look at her and am instantly saddened.She lost it so long ago.I barely have a memory of the beautiful vibrant woman she once was.My dad never called to say Happy Birthday to either boys , no happy holidays, no I love you Melissa.What happened? WHat did I do this time?
  I have hit a depression point.I am terrified of being alone.Chuck deserves so much more then what I can give him.I can only give him hugs and encouragement.I can't buy him everything he wants, or sexually please him the way he needs.I am too numb.
  he spent too long being the enemy.He said he turned evil for a bit.A 6 year bit I would liek to think.Great father he is, the best.Incredibly responsible.What more could I possibly ask for?He says he loves me.He offers to make dinner.BUT when I do anything he gets huffy and makes comments.The comments kill me...... AND he thinks I am too deaf to hear them and then lies about them.No I didn't say that gets so old.
  I don't trust.Much of this is his fault so if hes right and I can't get over what he has done in the past then we will never move on.I hold things in.I must be bi polar I go left and right.I miss smiling all teh time.I miss seeing the glass as half full...... I wish my kids could see the beautiful person I know I can be.I am tired of feeling lost.
  This is just how i feel.Call me whiny or unappreciative as you should.I just want more out of my relationship.I want comraderie.I want SOMETHING.Not just a phone call,damn it I want a hug that lasts.I don't want a five minute fuck, I want to be stimulated.I don't want bitching because Im sore and take a one night break,while you turn around and whine all night long and I end up crabby with no sleep.
  I trust him.I feel safe with him.I know he loves me. I know I can do no better then him.I know I would be nothing without him.I know hes right. I also know I am a damn good mom.I am a good friend. I have a big heart and I am more then I feel at the moment.I know I have the ability to love enormously.I know I have the compacity to believe it when Im told Im loved.....Just waiting to find taht all again.I am tired of feeling like a dissapointment.I am tired of not trusting.I ahve met a few people I want to trust and show them me.
  I so badly want to tell these people that they have changed me for the good.I want to shout it off  the roof tops.Why can't I even find my voice? Chuck loves me and I should let him love me fully.I need to let the numbness go and love him forever.I need to give him a chance to not fuck someone behind my back.Hell he tells me he wants someone I would do it with him! 
  I just want him to affect me again.I want to believe him.I do I do .... HELP!

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